I thought I was ready....
Marriage and parenting seems to be most frequent methods of refinement used in my life. Each new season seems to be harder than the last. At this moment, during this parenting season, I can't imagine anything being harder. This season of letting go, watching him leave, knowing our relationship is changing forever, is the hardest yet. I am being refined....and I am not handling this refinement very well most days.
I have an amazing first born son. He has been independent and set in his own ways from his first steps. He walks to his own beat, has a strong will, and strives to be the best at all he does. I am so proud of the man he has become, and I am keenly aware that it is ALL by God's grace and in spite of my failings.
Last month my first born son got down on his knee and asked his sweet girlfriend to marry him. My husband and I were so honored when he asked us to go with him as he searched for the perfect ring. We beamed with pride and excitement as we waited for his plan to finally be put into place and for the day to finally arrive. That day was one of celebration for us all!
It is all becoming more and more real with each passing day. I thought I was ready for this! I foolishly thought I was prepared. I didn't expect it to be this hard. I didn't expect to be faced with such strong emotions. I didn't expect for this season to reveal my selfishness, my insecurities, and my fears.
As he is pulling away I find myself longing for him to love me the way he did when he was little. My selfishness is being revealed. I selfishly want him to care about my feelings and desire my input. I am finding that it is not as easy as I imagined it would be to give up being the leading lady in his life. I foolishly thought that since I loved his sweet fiancé so much it would be easy to turn that role over to her. I thought I was ready....
I find myself dealing with feeling as if I'm not good enough. I feel so insecure, so inadequate, so useless. I feel like I am letting him down. I thought it was going to be easy. I didn't think about all the details. I didn't realize there was so much to it. I thought I was ready...
Fear sets in...."have I done enough, said enough, and taught him all I needed to give him the best chance at being the best man possible for her?'. I start fearing that maybe he is keenly aware of my failures and he can't wait to get away from us. I start fearing that once he's gone he will never want to return. I fear he will not have a good relationship with his brothers. I fear I have not done a good enough job pointing him to Jesus. I thought I was ready...
You see, my husband and I have worked very hard to raise our boys with hopes of sending them out into the world to serve the Lord in whatever it is He calls them to. It is our greatest desire to see them be independent men who love the Lord with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength and love others well. We really do feel that, by God's grace, he is ready for the seasons of adulthood ahead of him. I thought I was ready too! I thought I would easily be able to handle these feelings. I thought I would be firm enough in my faith to not allow these feelings to even creep up on me. I thought it would be easier to hold my thoughts captive and fight back lies with truth. I thought I was ready, willing, and able to take on this season.
I need to cling so much more tightly to Jesus...
I am having to preach to myself the very words I have said to them over the years. You can not depend on anything, person, or circumstance to fulfill you or meet all your needs. Only God through Jesus will satisfy your every need. Cling to Him and rely on Him in all things, at all times, in every circumstance. My husband has told them many times that although he loves them more than they will know, he will let them down. Jesus never will! We have told them not to rely on us or anyone else to be what only Jesus can be for them. I am learning this is what I need to preach to myself more and more during this season....cling to Jesus, stop expecting my son to fill a void in my heart that only Jesus can fill. I thought I had grasped this, I thought I was ready...but there is still refining work that needs to continue.
My days of training him are coming to an end. I need to learn to take on a new role in his life now - deep devotion. It is time for me to be an encourager and his biggest cheerleader. Ready or not it is time for me to take a step back and trust him to make important life choices without my motherly interference. I am slowly learning this deep devotion means freeing him, rather than guilting him into my preferences.
It is time for me to speak less and pray more. Oh how I wish I had held my tongue today!! Instead I unloaded all my jumbled up feelings on him and my husband. As I have already stated, I am not good with words on a good day! Today was not a good day. Today was an emotional day. I must learn to go to God about my feelings instead of (or at least before) my son. I need to take my heartaches, insecurities, and fears to Him. I need to confess my selfishness and pride to the only ONE who can help me overcome them. I need to pray scripture over my son, trusting God to guide him. After all, His counsel is perfect. I want God to help my son pay close attention to his way, to walk before me in faithfulness with all his heart and all his soul. (1Kings 2:4). I want to free him to serve Christ, without any pressure from me as to what I think that service should look like. I want him to seek God personally in how to live, where to live. how to spend his money, what traditions he and his soon to be bride want for their family, and so on. I want to influence my son and bride to set their hope on God and God alone. This will require me to speak less and pray more.....Lord help me!!
So, this is turning out to be the hardest season of parenting (that I thought I was ready for) yet!! I want it to also be the most glorious. I am trusting that one day I will look back on these tough days with a full heart and very little regrets. I know with the Lord's help I will. I am determined to make it through this time of refinement more in love with Jesus and more devoted to His word at work in my life than I was before.
If you are reading this, I would appreciate prayers. As you can tell, this season is tough. I am emotional. I never want to give off the false perception that I have it all together....just ask my precious sons.... I do NOT! ;) I do, however, desire to glorify Christ. I also want to encourage others to rely on Him for all things. Relying on Christ doesn't mean life will be easy, but I am confident that all things will work together for our good and His glory, and that He will complete the good works He has started in us. So we must hang in there during the tough times of refinement through parenting, preaching the gospel to ourselves and relying on Christ through it all.
Grace and Peace ~ Jeanette
Awww...no, you could never be ready. Trust me. And even if you had done more, said more...it would never be enough. Ask me how I know. But this is when you lean into Jesus. If I've learned anything as a parent, it's how little our efforts actually have to do with the outcome. There, I said it! Even though we're called to be faithful, the outcome is in the hands of God. When we are weak, He is strong. Keep taking your insecurities to the cross. I have to do the same EVERY day. Our children belong to Him and our greatest efforts and our biggest failures can not thwart God's plan for them.
ReplyDeleteKelly Crawford